Sitting here, listening to the birds chirp their various songs of different pitch and tone, I am humbled by the blessing of being solo, again, at this campground.

 

Nearly three years ago, a week or two after my last day at Google, Inc., I pitched my very own tent, for the very first time. My first night camping “alone” occurred here, along the Colorado River, surrounded by high cliffs of red rock, flowing water, and dirt. During those three days in Moab, Welcomed instantly by three people – two guys on one side of my campsite, and one lady on another – there was a fact of solo travelling, but not of isolation. We shared wine, stories, music, singing, photographs, coffee, and written words.  Exploring Arches National Park, I completed two hikes in one day – Delicate Arch, and Devil’s Playground. Smiling almost constantly, dirt laden boots adorn on my feet, and a water bladder straw visible from my day pack, I continued to make friends.  A young couple with a newborn baby, taking the little tike out on his first ever adventure, I was inspired, witnessing a partnership that seemed authentic and strong.  Fear of heights overwhelmed another new friend as she clenched her fingertips into the sandstone, scooting her toocus down a decently wide, and decently high “fin”. My hand reached out to hers, with support, care and zero pressure. Hugs and high fives were exchanged all around once she felt she had reached the safety of the ground again.

 

I drove East on Highway 128, out of Moab, took a “bath” in the river, and stumbled upon a person in need. Her car broke down, her house was not too far, and generally in the direction I was going. Roadtrip karma told me it was important to provide assistance. Who knows when I might be the person in need? The views I saw going into Castle Valley, and leaving, were worth every minute.

 

Four days ago, I returned to this same town, to the same road, and to the exact same campground.  Reflecting back on my life since last in this same location, growth, loss, and love are the themes that have been playing in my head and heart since my arrival.  The same tent that I first erected here, is now often referred to as my “home” since it has been the most consistent four walls that protect me. I have carried it on my back for miles on end and through multiple countries.  Back then, “single” was my relationship, and also, my travel status.  Today, although I did spend the bookends of my time in Moab solo, the majority of my time was shared with my partner – someone who gets excited when I tell him about the website I just bought, and will also sacrifice his time and energy to drive my truck down stream to a launch in order for me to paddle down the river. Both times I arrived via a vehicle.  However, now, my vehicle is a 4wd manual Toyota Tacoma, covered in mud, camping gear, and a 13.5 foot kayak on top.  “Adventure rig,” is the best way to describe my mode of transportation these days.

 

Today, on my last morning here, I kayaked down the Colorado River. Starting just West of Big Bend Campground, and ending at the intersection of highway 128 and 191, I had the river to myself the entire time! I did not see a single other boat until I reached the boat launch. When I was here last, I stared at that river with a longing to explore the views from water level. An itch started at my toes, and covered all limbs, through to my inexperienced brain, eager to have a boat to take on a voyage down stream, for as far as I could go. Today, I began that journey. Next time – and there will be a next time – I will paddle even further.

 

Mixed with the excitement and anticipation of taking my kayak on its first river adventure, was a palpable anxiety induced by one set of visible rapids along my route.  Running through the checklist in my head, talking out loud, I believed I was prepared and ready.

• 1.5 liters of water in the hyrdration pack, with an additional 1 L in my sticker covered turquoise Nalgene bottle
• PFD, bilge pump, sponge, paddle
• Kirkwood branded Big Truck hat, chums, sunscreen , sunglasses, Keen sandals, Nature Valley bar
• Digital camera and phone, inside my small Osprey dry bag

“Okay, I think I am ready,” I stated to myself, and my partner.

 

Already having decided that there was not a quality launch point from the campground, we drove about a minute East, dismounting the kayak from my truck, and walking her down to the beach, with ease. (Always such a treat to have someone to help!) We dropped the gear, said our goodbyes, confirmed truck drop off and key return location. Prepping my gear on my boat and my person, I began to speak to myself! Solitude was needed in these moments as I physically and mentally prepared for this journey, which I had honestly never done anything like it before. Yes, it would clearly be easier to be floating downstream, rather than fighting winds, currents and waves like I have done on every kayak I have captained in the past. However, those one set of rapids got in my head.

 

“You are safe, you are smart, you are strong.” These words confidently emerged from my lips as I turned the front end of the kayak, and started pulling the boat into the water.  On repeat, this sentence continued to be vocalized aloud – right before I pushed away from shore, as I started paddling, and right before the first set of rapids. Over and over and over.

 

“You are safe, you are smart, you are strong. You are safe, you are smart, you are strong. You are safe, you are smart, you are strong.” Where these words came from, I am completely unsure. Beautifully, they do not only ring true in this given scenario, where I need to get across river rapids in a lake kayak, but also, they ring true in life. I am safe, I am smart, and I am strong!

 

Pushing me into a current, this river wanted to try to take over control completely. The inertia created from the down stream current, was pleasant and exciting. I was going in the direction the river wanted me to go. The river was supporting my goals and helping me move forward faster. However, when the rapids would come up, or a weird circular current would arise, something else was working against me. The rocks below were forming my flow into something where I could lose control. One could easily get swept up, pushed around, or even thrown overboard.  Still going in the proper direction to my destination, I needed to keep to the general course, find the most navigable path through the section of tribulation, and use my strength to stay in control.  Fierce concentration took over, and the point of sink or swim had passed – I was swimming…well paddling. Pushed, rocked, and splashed, control may have been lost for a split second, but through working my paddles, my abdominal muscles, my brain and my confidence, me and my boat emerged on the other side of the rapids, safely.

 

Now these were not any white-water rafting rapids, but for a 13.5 foot sit inside speed kayak, they were intense. Those rapids were fierce, but also part of my journey. Mapping out my adventure from point A to point B, I knew I was going to come across at least one tough section. Going into the water, with proper expectations, was half the battle.  How long the entire journey would take, and what other obstacles I might run into, were unknown. The various current changes, and light rapids that popped up, were countless.  Focus on the path in front of me, making decisions, and slightly changing my course accordingly, made this “paddle” an even more fun adventure. Having the flow of the river to support my general direction, and taking the time to hold up my paddle, and gaze up at the cliffs, were also crucial to the journey. There were times to sit back and let the river push me along, and there were times I needed to fight the currents to stay in control of my destiny.

 

This…this is life.

 

You may get stuck in a current from time to time, or even endlessly, having lost control of your own destiny. You give up, and let the rapids push, rattle, and splash you, while you frown or worse, scream, through it all. On the other hand, maybe you have a specific goal in mind – a destination – and as you slowly make your way there, you come to find that the river is actually assisting you. The river is flowing in that direction, seemingly making every little paddle you make almost effortless.  You are well aware you will run into trials and tribulations. You are fearful, unsure of whether you have the strength and the smarts to maintain control and navigate through the rough rapids of this journey. Regardless, you stay on course. You remain confident, focused, and determined. Fight or flight kicks in just before you reach the first dip. You fight. You fight because there is no other choice for you. You know what you want. You may not know what other difficulties or obstacles are between you and your success. That is okay. The river will still be there to support you and nudge you along after each of those hardships. Keep paddling. When the inertia of the flow calms down, remember to look around at the scenery, and listen to the beautiful sounds of the birds. Be grateful for where you are, not only because of your own strength to get there, but also because this river of life is helping you to be here. This river of life is gently grabbing hold of the bottom of your boat, and moving you along, towards where you want to be, and where you need to be.

 

You will get there. To do so, you need to be aware, prepared, strong, smart, and most of all, determined. Keep paddling. Follow the flow of where the river leads you, but stay in control when the rapids are trying to push you over or scare you away. Take time to appreciate where you are and how you got there.

 

Personally, I have been trying to paddle along with the flow of a river, and have fought a few class four rapids, ever since I was last at this same campground, along this same river.  Strength, determination, self-awareness, risk-taking, and the support of loved ones and my community of the world, have helped get me to where I am today. Still in this flow, there are guaranteed to be more rapids ahead.

 

I am safe, I am smart, I am strong.

 

 

 

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Date: 2017-06-26

Location: Upper Drinks Canyon Campground, Highway 128, Moab, Utah, USA