Today, I spent more than an hour looking for a campsite. Unfortunately, this is not a rare occurrence. The cause of this is usually one of three things: a) I am looking for the perfect campsite to either enjoy myself for a few days, or “wow” my camping partner, b) I am looking for a campsite that is free, or c) I am looking for a campsite which does not leave me 100% alone. Today, option ‘c’ was the cause of my indecision. Let me break down the sequence of events for you in a summarized form:

1. Drive towards paid National Forest campground I know exists
2. Turn down dirt road (Forest Service Road) before the campground – curiosity killed the camper
3. First two spots are taken, third is open, and it is absolutely stunning
4. Back truck into spot, turn ignition off, walk around and investigate for flat spots
5. Find perfect flat spot, therefore go to grab tent out of back of truck
6. See local on mountain bike. Inquire about bear activity and if leaving food in car will suffice. Local gives me the confirmation. He is super nice. I wish he was camping next to me. Sigh…
7. Set-up tent under the trees in a perfect spot. While setting up tent, notice all the scratches and gouges on every single tree surrounding my tent. Recall the scratches and gouges we learned about from the Forest Service Rangers in South Lake Tahoe last summer. Some of which were marks from a bear that decided to climb up a tree to one of our zipline platforms.
8. Look at tent, entirely setup, sans stakes. Contemplate.
9. Immediately start taking tent back down, mumbling to myself things like, “you are allowed to be afraid. If you do not want to be here, then leave.”
10. Roll tent and footprint, along with polls, in a half-hazard ball, and chuck into back of truck.  Drive off in a flurry.

Over the next hour, I drive down four other Forest Service Roads, and into the campground I had originally set off for. While perusing all the tags already filled out and clipped to the corresponding campsite post, I am reminded that it is a holiday weekend. Sure is easy to forget when you are solo! Eventually, after much frustration, I am left with the only option – to return back to the same road, to the same campsite, and pull out the ball of my tent. Coincidentally, the nice local rolls back by my site, going the opposite direction. Clearly, he has nearly completed his entire ride while I have been scatter brained around the area.  “You doing okay?” he asks politely.

He again, reassures me that he never sees the bears on this side of the creek, but that there are elk, deer, and possibly the one moose, who might grind their horns on the trees. Outwardly, I knod, and come off cool and confident with a, “oh yeah those guys are no big deal, it is just the bears that freak me out for some reason.” Internally, I am screaming, “there is no way that are those gouges are from freaking elk and moose! Come on man!”

In the end, I setup my tent, once again, in the same exact campsite I did about an hour earlier, but this time not under the trees. I decide that I will let the animals have the trees, and I will be closer to the road. Only downside of this is that I am closer to my truck, which has all the yum yums and smelly things. Regardless, it feels safer to me.

Now I am not just here to ramble on about my evening. This occurrence has reminded me of something I have been struggling with extensively over the last few months. It is a topic I want to dive into deeply, within my own self, with a therapist, and with others. I want to share, push my boundaries, and learn what is best, for us all.

I am scared. I am afraid. I am afraid to die.

I am afraid to die. I am scared of my own death, and of the death of those closest to me.

Yes, I am scared to do things, almost constantly, but that does not mean that fear is going to stop me. When my friend, Ranger Adam, invited me to go canyoneering down a 200 foot pitch, at dusk, I was so afraid that I was actually wishing that the trip would be cancelled. Yes, I was truly and honestly thinking this in my head. A fire had broke out nearby, and the sky was filled with fumes. In my mind, this could be a reason to cancel an adventure. When Ranger Adam came home, I wholeheartedly expected him to say, “sorry guys, but we cannot go out in the canyons tonight.” Instead, we immediately started changing our outfits and packing gear. I was terrified, but that was not going to stop me.

Quitting your job, travelling alone, telling someone you love them, taking the risk and starting your own business, writing a book, moving to a new town where you do not know a single soul, long distance hiking/cycling/running, public speaking, standing up to your boss or a friend or family member…they ALL are scary as hell. The list of things one can, and is, afraid of, goes on and on.

THAT IS OKAY. IT IS OKAY TO BE AFRAID!

This is the part that most people miss – the allowance to own up to the fear. Maybe you do not say it outloud because then it will get in your head and you will not be able to conquer it. Or maybe, once you are able to say it outloud, that is when the fear is released, or at least someone can nod, and say, “okay.” Yeesh, maybe you are afraid of spiders, or snakes! Do you still go on hikes? Heck yes you do! I am afraid of bears, for whatever reason, but I camp alone, I hike, I backpack. I want to be in the same environments these bears want to be in, so I need to learn how to not be afraid. Somehow. Someway.

Exactly at this moment, I am shelterd in my bright orange REI Half Dome 2 tent, sitting with both my legs stretched out in front of me, on top of my bright orange Kelty dry-down sleeping bag, with the trusty dark blue Thermarest base camp pad. My fingers punch the keyboard at the same time that there might be a bear sniffing my truck, or about to claw the trees behind me. Sigh. I will be okay.

What have you done lately that you were afraid to do? Even more crucial, what are you afraid to do that you have not yet done? Take a few moments to ponder these questions.

…keep pondering…

Likely, an answer will come up immediately. Also likely, you are so afraid of this action that you will not even admit to yourself that you are thinking it! Yipes! We are such complex creatures. What can we do to stare our fears in the eyes?  Here is what I have done:

1. Tell someone you trust that you are afraid, and try to explain why. To really get to the base of the problem, try a writing exercise that I learned from the amazing class I took at the Writing Salon, in Berkeley, California. Here are the quick and simple directions (contact me, or comment below, if you need further clarification):
   1. Set a timer for 10 minutes.
   2. Pull out your laptop or a notebook, and get ready to write, without thinking, for 10 minutes.
   3. Write down what you are afraid of, or what you are trying to accomplish, but are stuck and not moving forward. Ex. “I am afraid to try to write a book.”
   4. In response to your own sentence, write, “Why?”
   5. Then, answer the question of, “why?”. Ex. “Because I do not know how to do it.”
   6. Repeat steps ‘d’ and ‘e’ until your timer goes off, or until you hit the lightbulb moment, whichever comes first. (You’ll know when you hit the lightbulb moment.)
2. Talk to a therapist about your fears. Depending on the therapist and the subject, your experience will be entirely different. I have done this with my therapist recently and found it quite helpful.
3. Just face the fear, and do it smart, safe, and with people you trust (if that is an option). If you are smart and safe, you will be okay. Of course, this is entirely dependent on the situation. I am not telling you to do anything that you should not. You should always check with other people and get confirmation that what you are facing is okay and safe to face. Camping alone and canyoneering, are both activities that are within my wheelhouse of knowledge and experience.  I canyoneered with safe and experienced athletes. I camped somewhere that has been used as a campsite (clearly due to flat areas, fire rings, etc.). I checked with a local, and I sent two friends my coordinates. I also had all I could need in my truck, or tent. I am knowledgeable and experienced, but yes, I am also scared.

Maybe that is step number one actually – get educated! Whatever it is you are afraid of, start taking in knowledge on the subject. Surround yourself with people who are experts, and go through the experiences you are afraid of with them, asking them to coach you through it all. Explain that you are afraid, but feel that if you become more knowledgeable in the area, maybe the feat will lessen to a reasonable degree – at the very least to a non-debilitating, non-keeping you up all night degree.

Fears can go to a horrifyingly deep level, often times, taking over our dreams. Throughout my childhood, and still through my adulthood, I have had the same reoccurring dream of one of my biggest fears.  These are near impossible to shake. Reality can also have an overwhelming affect on our fears. If we have experienced it once, that means it could happen again.  

Has something happened in your real life that feeds your fears?  Have you had your heart broken, lived through the death of a loved one or suffered a debilitating and depressing injury?  What has already occurred in your reality that you are afraid could, and will, happen again?  These causes of fears, I feel, would be best tackled with a therapist, because they are deep rooted, and at least partially, based on facts. Having personally suffered from a fear of death due to having multiple people in my life pass away, I know that these fears require some assistance to work through.

Whatever you are afraid of, are you ready to face it and try to conquer that fear? 

I know I am. Join me.

July 3rd Update:

Last night, at the campsite described above, I slept better than I ever hide while sleeping alone in the woods. It was incredible! In addition, when I arrived to my next destination (Grand Teton National Park), I immediately attended a Ranger Program, and the first 10 minutes focused on bear safety. Simply and clearly, the ranger explained the different behaviors to look out for in the bear, and how to respond. My confidence in sharing nature with these bears is growing. I will continue to educate myself, openly express this fear to others, and surround myself with experts that I can learn from and watch first hand in the field. Cheers!