Have you been here before? When you meet the fork in the road, and you cannot choose which path to take? You see them as two separate options. One or the other. What if there are multiple paths? Have you been there? Five different options? Maybe more? Maybe there is no path. It is just an open meadow, or a forest of trees. Do you have a compass? Do you have a map? Or do you follow your gut instinct? Do you look for familiar signs that have steered you in the right direction before? The mark on the tree, where the sun currently is sitting, or a footprint on the ground. Do you stand, and think? Or do you just start walking in a direction so at least you know you are moving forward? Or do you sit, and stay, knowing it is the safest option.

I have been here before.

It was exactly five years ago. EXACTLY. I was a Business Analyst at Google, Inc. with my own big apartment, and an amazing group of friends. I was also depressed. I did not know it then, but looking back I remember a few undeniable signs. My friends inviting me out over and over and turning them down, leading them to ask me, “where have you been?” Crying in the bathroom at work. Calling out sick, or working from home. Every single day was a struggle. Every hour.

Eventually, I utilized the free therapy sessions Google was offering employees, and got an appointment just down the street, biking distance (yes on a colorful Google bike) from both the main campus and my apartment. I did not know what I wanted. I had ideas of new careers, going back to school, or different departments in Google to try out. There was also an idea to travel for a short period, then come back to my job. During my sessions, my therapist gave me numerous helpful and simple tools to tackle each of my struggles, focusing on one or two tricks each week. There was one visual she gave me that I will never forget.

“You have numerous ideas of what to do next. Each one is pulling you in a different direction, therefore, you cannot move forward. You are frustrated and confused because you are not moving anywhere. You are stuck in one place. You need to pick one thing, and just start moving in that direction, and see how it feels, in order to simply move forward. Otherwise, you will not go anywhere.”

That session, and everytime I recall these words (not a direct quote) I imagine a famous sketch of a person stretched out inside a circle, on older brownish paper. Can you picture it? It is The Vitruvian Man, by Leonardo da Vinci. Having never really reflected on this image and its actual relevance to the words above before, I always just enjoyed the fact that I had a solid visual to help me understand what my mind was doing to my heart and body. Honestly, I’ve always felt that the fact that this image is what pops up in my mind was a bit silly and made me feel uneducated and immature.

After a little research, and a fresh perspective, I feel differently.

First of all, I am half Italian, and will always feel tied to that side of my heritage. Secondly, the purpose of L’Uomo Vitruviano (in Italian) is to depict the most desirable proportions of the human body. This sketch is actually closer to a diagram, because it uses geometry in order to calculate all the proportions, all based off a perfect circle. Since one of my degrees is in math, this again makes sense. Staring at the image longer, my mind discovers an even greater correlation. The figure has its legs in two different positions, and its arms, in two different positions. At first glance, one would say that this diagram of a human has only two positions. 1) arms straight out, and legs straight down 2) arms slightly up and legs further out. However, there are a few more variations. Many more actually. What about arms straight out and legs further out? Or two arms in different positions, and two legs in different positions? Or the two arms in different positions and the legs straight down? How many variations are there actually?

Turns out this diagram is actually a perfect representation of this struggle.

The “perfect proportions” of the human adult is to be in one of two positions: a) be successful in your career and make money, or b) go after your dream and take risks. Do we really just have two choices? Is it ever that simple? No. Our minds and hearts and the world around us give us the opportunity to be in numerous different positions. We have to decide. WE HAVE TO DECIDE.

We have to choose one and move forward. We have to choose one and get our bodies out of that perfect circle.

Writing this, I imagine the man in the diagram lowing his arms to his sides, and with a sigh of relief, stepping forward, over the bottom curve, exiting the circle, letting his arms swing, his knees bend, his quads and calves flex, his eyes gazing directly ahead, to a destination unknown.

I began writing this article in order to try to clear my head of the various options that lay before me, and try to clear up which one is right for me. Which one I want to step forward towards. My plan was to talk to you about the juxtaposition between going after exciting new career opportunities, with new leadership challenges, and higher pay (the easy way to feel successful) and taking a job that will simply get you want you really need in order to go after your dreams, taking risks (the harder way that you will struggle to feel successful most of the time, but when you do, boy is it good).

Is there an age we reach when we have to choose opportunity and pay over dreams? Is it a life situation, whether you have kids or a mortgage? Or is it simply a decision? Is it simply having the guts to choose the path that requires more self-discipline, more explanation to friends and family, less (or no) guarantees? Are the other options just a carrot dangling in front of you, testing to see how serious you really are about your biggest and most honest and exciting goals? Or are they there for you to take and enjoy?

I am tempted to dig further into these questions, but the reality of where this piece has taken me is clear. I sat down to write out my thoughts. There was a plan in my mind for what I was going to type onto this word document. And then, something emerged. New thoughts, new words, new descriptions, new visualitions.

Excitement. The feeling of success. The notion that I AM A WRITER and I LOVE WRITING.

And yet, I long for the feelings of success and recognition elsewhere. Why? Why can I not focus all my energy into the task that brings me the most exhilaration?

FEAR.

That must be it.

What do you think?