It’s time for me to be real honest. Although my community might see me wearing a hand-crocheted Santa hat or an oversized bulky holiday sweater with a dinosaur or R2D2, this time of year is really challenging for me. The first few times I hear Christmas music playing in the grocery store, or my partner puts a record on in our home, I’m not filled with joy.
You might ask why. It’s hard to put into words, but this time of year reminds me of a lot of grief. In less than 10 days, it will be the day my mom told me over video call, while I was on the other side of the world, that the doctors found cancer. It’s also the day that I received multiple calls and text messages from my best friends, and I quickly learned one friend’s husband suddenly died. These are days I was filled with overwhelming sadness, fear, confusion, and heartbreak. These were not days of caroling and smiles.
Yet, growing up, I always loved this time of year. My mom wore red and green earrings, volunteered to pass out toys, and showed more excitement while opening presents than a five-year-old. The fond memories I have growing up, especially when my dad was still alive, are still crystal clear, more than 24 years later. And later in life, dancing with my girlfriends and mom on Christmas Eve in our pajamas will remain the best memories I hope one day we can duplicate.
But when others in my life start buying gifts before it’s even December, or starting decorating, I’m just not there yet. It takes me time to sink in. It takes me energy to find the joy. But I also need to leave space for the sadness. For the loss. For missing the people in my life who made this holiday season mean something to me.
Now, my life is filled with so many friends and a new family, and there is always some joy. Last year, in 2022, was the happiest Christmas since my mom died. I believe this was due to one of two factors, or a combination of both. First, I created the HAH! Bingo card (Holidays Are Hard!). I love it as HAH! Bingo because for many of us, this time of year is a bit laughable. All this stress mixed with joy, while we are struggling internally and just want to cry. And last December, I completed the entire card! And the month really was filled with more joy and balance than I’d ever had in the previous nine years.
Also, we adopted a puppy, right at the end of November. Although raising a puppy while a record-breaking year of snow began was its own challenge, she brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined. She showed me love. She reminded me of how I used to feel this time of year, crying years or joy rather than years of sadness.
So, for those not adopting a new pet this season, I hope the HAH! Bingo can help you bring more joy into this holiday season.
And those of you who do bring joy into my life this time of year, THANK YOU! The lack of love from my community is not the cause of my melancholy. These days, surrounded by wonderful friends, colleagues, and family, whether in person, or on the other side of the world, I am outrageously grateful. And also, there are people in my life I wish were still here. And there are anniversaries from previous years that remind me of some of the most shocking days I’ve experienced. It’s both. It’s everything.
And for those of you who don’t know me personally, I bet there are others in your life with similar feelings. So remember that the holidays are not all sunshine and rainbows to everyone. Some of us need to feel a little sadness mixed in with our joy, so be patient with us. And maybe pass along this bingo card to help them navigate through the rough days or rough hours.
And if you are one of those people who do it tough during the holiday season, for any reason, including but not limited to loss, bad news (like terminal illness) or grief, I feel for you. Hang in there. Feel the feels, and notice the little tiny joys. Maybe write about it. I wasn’t ready to go put on a holiday sweater yet, but now that I have typed out a little bit of my feelings, I just might be.
If you’re still reading and feeling like this was still vague, I am with you also. I write about grief and loss and my mom often, but putting into words what I feel in December is really hard in its own right. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.
Sometimes the holiday season is so challenging and stressful and sad that it is laughable how much the real experience is the opposite of what it’s intended to be. So, in an effort to help myself, while helping everyone else I am connected with who struggles this time of year as well, I created “HAH! Bingo”
The white version is a pdf best for printing, or using a pdf editor on your computer to mark off what you’ve done. The tan one is an image file that you can share on social media so that other people you know can find this. Link to this page so that they can download the pdf as well.
If you feel so inclined, I would love to hear or see some of the activities you are doing! Share a screenshot on your phone of the music you listen to, or a photo while you go for a walk. If you share on IG please tag @dirtandtears. Or don’t! And simply enjoy each of these actions with zero distraction or pressure.
Cross out the box once you complete the activity, or write the date you completed it. Once you get five in a row (honor system) post a picture on social, or email it to me directly (natasha@dirtandtears.com). If you cross off every item on this list, I definitely want to hear about it! I have not yet secured gifts, because I have been engaging in my own self-care, but I am hoping to secure a few gifts to celebrate the people who completed a full row or the entire board. It might be a raffle or a top number of items completed.
I am offering this for FREE! As my gift to you. If you wish to donate to this effort, which would either go towards gifts for participants, to fund future similar projects, or to sponsor someone to take Mental Health First Aid, you can do so here (include a gift, hug or other caring emoji).